


the happiest place on earth

by funkymoths



Category: The Bridge (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Gen, They work at the haunted mansion don’t @ me, disneyland au, frank is an obnoxious park guest, i just wanted to write them as jaded Disney employees
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-17 21:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16104143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funkymoths/pseuds/funkymoths
Summary: the Disneyland AU that no one asked forEtta Perrault, Kate Burnham, Bertie Renard, and Roger Kaplan are the least happy employees at the happiest place on Earth





	1. Chapter 1

As Etta helped another family get into their “doom buggies”, she began to realize why working at disneyland was no fun. When she’d applied for the job, she had foolishly thought that she would at least get to ride the rides after the park closed. It turned out you still had to work even after the guests had left. Who knew?

“Etta!” Kate jogged up the moving sidewalk towards her, nearly tripping over the hem of her floor length skirt. Etta knew Kate despised the green and black maid costume that the Haunted Mansion cast members were required to wear.

“Hey Kate. What’s up?” Etta stepped to the side, letting a youth group in matching t-shirts pass her.

“Well, I was looking at the cameras, and saw a couple trying to have sex by the ballroom scene. Do I do anything?” Kate was even newer than Etta was, and was still getting used to the fact that the Happiest Place on Earth (trademark) was considerably less magical behind the scenes.

“It’s probably fine. We can get Roger to clean their buggie once they get off. Might have to stop the ride if they’ve really made a mess.” Etta checked her watch. “We’ve got half an hour till the park closes.”

“Thank god. Hey, tell Roger I’m going on break, OK? Some middle aged white lady yelled at me for not letting her giant family cut in line and I really need to sit down and think about my life choices for a bit.” Kate sighed.

“I’ll tell Roger if I see him. Last time I saw him, he was dealing with something in one of the elevators. Some scared kid peed on the carpet and now the whole line is backed up.”

“Isn’t Bertie’s job?” Kate asked.

“He switched to monitoring FastPasses because of some middle schoolers harassing him.”

“Jesus Christ.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Etta saw Roger pushing his way through the crowd of Mickey Ear and pin lanyard clad people waiting in line.

“Roger! Hi!” She waved at him halfheartedly.

“Don’t ‘ _Roger! Hi!_ ’ me, Etta. I know you were the one who told Bertie he should take a break,”

“So?”

“So? I had to clean up a piss covered elevator, when I should be, I don’t know, _running the ride_.”

“Those kids were really bugging him, Roger. I thought he needed to relax!” Etta protested.

“That’s his problem, Etta, not mine.” said Roger. He glared at Etta.

“Woah, calm down guys.” Kate interjected. “We close in half an hour, let’s just get through this, and then we can leave.”

“I feel like I haven’t slept in years.” Etta said to no one in particular, staring at the buggies entering the Haunted Mansion.

“That’s fun.” Kate awkwardly patted her on the shoulder. She glanced back at the line of guests, then quickly whipped her head back. “We’ve got another problem.”

“It can’t possibly get worse, can it?” Roger asked.

“It’s Frank.” Kate grimaced.

“That was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.” Sighing, Roger strode toward the queue of people, and sure enough, Frank was waiting in line behind a greasy looking woman and an eight year old boy wearing Logan Paul merchandise. Kate took a deep breath and followed Roger, leaving Etta alone next to the control panel.

“Guys…” She hesitated for a moment, before sprinting to catch up to Kate and Roger.

“What are you doing here again, Frank?” Kate was saying.

“Can’t a guy just enjoy his favorite theme park ride?” Frank leaned away from Kate, nearly following over the divider between the FastPass and non FastPass lines.

“Every week? Three times a day?” Etta could see a vein close to bursting on Roger’s forehead. “It’s like you’re trying to make us call security.”

“Calm down, Roger.” Etta stepped between him and Frank.

“Let him blow off some steam.” Kate pulled Etta back. “Don’t pretend like you haven’t wanted to see Frank get told off.”

“I’m not going to. I just think that _someone_ ,” Etta glanced at Roger, “Should at least make an attempt to not get fired before his shift is over.”

“At this point, Etta, I honestly don’t give a shi-”  
“Roger!” Kate gestured to a small child waiting in line behind Frank. Roger stepped back from Frank, and clasped his hands behind his back. Etta could tell he was trying his hardest not to grab Frank by the neck and suffocate him. Luckily for Frank, and every park patron in the immediate vicinity, Roger kept him hands to himself.

“Let’s just let Frank board the ride in peace this time.” Etta said. “You can yell at him all you want once we close the ride for the evening. How about that?” She grinned meekly.

“Fine.” Roger sighed. “You know what, Frank? Why don’t you cut to the front of the line?”

“Ok, but I-” Frank started.

“Get out of my sight or I call security.”

“Right away.” Frank nodded. He pushed through the line, heading in the direction of the buggies, clearly not wanting to deal with Roger’s fury for the third week in a row.

  
“What’s his deal, anyway?” Kate asked Etta as they headed back to their stations. “Frank, I mean.”

“You know just as well as me. I remember meeting a couple months back, when I was telling scary stories to the people waiting in line, and I-”

“You _what_?” Kate stopped walking. “Didn’t Roger tell you to stop telling those before Frank started showing up?”

“That’s...not the point. Anyways, I guess Frank was listening to them, because he was back in line later that day, asking about the stories.”

  
“Geez.”

“Yeah, and I don’t think he even liked them. He kept, like, correcting the details.” Etta explained. “Anyways, I guess it’s my fault that he’s always here.”

“Yikes.” Kate said. “Hey, are you free to go get drinks once we close up the ride? It’s been a long day.”

“Don’t I know it! Roger’s making me check up on Bob first, but I’ll meet you there. Promise.”

At that moment, a guttural noise shook the room, half roar and half radio static. Guests in line looked at each other with confused expressions.

“Nothing to worry about, folks!” Etta reassured the murmuring crowd. “Just a bit of technical difficulties!” She turned to Kate. “Looks like I won’t be getting drinks with you tonight.”

“I’ll close down the ride.” Kate said. “You go check on Bob.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Does he usually act like this?” Kate examined the large tank. Behind the frosted glass, Bob could be seen moving frantically, a stark contrast from usual.

“Nope!” Etta put her hands on her hips. “This is completely new.” She said.

“Calm down, guys.” Bertie entered the room, and slumped into a chair. He had a dazed, absent look in his eyes. “It’s probably nothing.”

“Have you gotten any sleep recently, Bertrand?” Etta asked. Bertie didn’t answer.

“All I’m saying is, he’s probably just acting up.” He said. “I don’t think something’s wrong.”

“No,” Roger paced back and forth in front of the tank. “He’s never acted like this before. Something is definitely wrong.”

“I still don’t know why they thought this was a good place to store an Eldritch monster like Bob.” Kate pondered. “Don’t they have somewhere to keep him other than the Happiest Place On Earth?”

“Apparently not.” Etta stepped up to the tank. “Any idea what’s going on with him?” Bob made a loud noise that resonated off every surface in the room.

“Do you think he knows something we don’t? Like, a threat to his safety?” Bertie stuck his hands in the pockets of his uniform.

“I thought you said that he was probably just acting up.” Kate countered.

“We can’t rule anything out.” Roger stopped pacing. “Etta, I want you to stay with Bob for now. Make sure he doesn’t disturb the park guests.”

“Why do I have to do that? When was the last time Bertie or Kate was on Bob duty?” Etta crossed her arms, and pouted.

“Yesterday.”

“Fine, fine.” Taking a seat in a chair next to Bertie, Etta pulled out her phone. As she scrolled through Instagram, Roger addressed the rest of the crew.

“Kate, I want you working the elevator. Bertie, can you keep working FastPasses?”

“Yes, sir.” Bertie nodded.

I’ll stay down here, by the ride.” Roger said. “Are we clear?”

“Crystal.” Kate gave a halfhearted thumbs up. “Alright. Autobots, roll out.” Etta watched her three coworkers leave, and glanced back at Bob.

“I guess it’s just you and me now, huh?” She leaned back in her chair, studying Bob’s tank. Etta opened up Safari on her phone, and typed “disneyland secrets” into the search bar. Often, she would google spooky stories about the park, to entertain guests waiting in line. She liked to base her stories somewhat in facts, but they did end up getting dramatized a bit. It was also (unfortunatly) how she’d met Frank.  
  
On the second page of her search, Etta found a small forum titled “The Hunt Club.” The top post was a lengthy paragraph about the possibility of Seaworld hiding a twenty foot long goldfish. Etta scoffed. “Can you believe this guy, Bob?” The second post was slightly more _concerning_.

It was by one “Frank Hayward”, and was on the subject of a rumor about a large ‘creature’ being kept in the underground tunnels connecting the rides at Disneyland. “Roger’s not going to believe this.” Etta muttered as she took a screenshot of the post. The whole passage was concerning, but the closing paragraph really caught Etta’s attention.

 _‘In conclusion, it is my belief that the Disneyland staff, more specifically the staff of the Haunted Mansion, are hiding a beast within the bowels of the ride. I’ve heard this monster make noise, and it is even coloquially refered to as_ Bob. _In recent months, I have taken to studying the ride and its staff, which has brought me to these conclusions._

_Signed, Frank Hayward, Senior Member.’_

“Shit.” Etta sighed. She opened her messages app, and texted the screenshot she took to _The Official Bob Fanclub_ , her groupchat with Kate, Roger, and Bertie.

Etta: i think we have a problem

Meme Queen: no shit sherlock

Bertrand: Did our Frank write that?

Etta: how many conspiracy theory Franks do we know?

Bertrand: Valid point

Kate: Roger’s gonna kill you, Etta

Angry Boss Man: I am

Etta: yikes

Angry Boss Man: I just don’t get how you managed to tell Frank the ONE SECRET that we have to keep

Angry Boss Man: I’m very disappointed in you

Meme Queen: ooh, disappointed. Good luck dude

Angry Boss Man: I am NOT JOKING

Angry Boss Man: I CAN’T TURN CAPS LOCK OFF

Meme Queen: Press F To Pay Respects

Bertrand: F

  
Etta: F

Angry Boss Man: THIS ISN’T FUNNY

Meme Queen: Oof

Etta turned her phone off. “What do you think about this?” She asked Bob. Bob didn’t say anything, but he shifted around in his tank. “I mean, it’s not ideal.” Her phone buzzed. Numerous texts from Bertie on the group chat lit up the screen.

Bertrand: Some kid just tried to show me a fastpass for the radiator springs ride

Bertrand: That’s not even in this park

Bertrand: This is unrelated but Frank is back and he’s got friends

Bertrand: They don’t look friendly

Bertrand: Why is no one replying I have thing to say

Meme Queen: We don’t care enough

Angry Boss Man: For once, we agree on something

Etta: Wait, what do the friends look like?

Bertrand: Idk, one’s got a polo shirt and greasy hair. The other one looks like he should be a grizzled action hero

Meme Queen: Very descriptive.

Etta opened up the Hunt Club forum again. She scrolled quickly through posts, scanning the profile photos of people who’d posted. Sure enough, two commenters on Frank’s post had avatars that matched Bertie’s description. Etta sent the profile photos to the group chat.

Etta: Did they look like this?

Bertrand: Yeah actually

Etta: oh shit oh shit

Angry Boss Man: what does “oh shit” mean in this context

Etta: they commented on Frank’s “let’s find bob” post

Bertrand: maybe they don’t mean him any harm?

Etta: The forum is called the hunt club, I don’t think that means they want polite conversatinon with Bob.

Angry Boss Man: I’m closing the ride. Etta and Kate, you guys empty the lines. Bertie and I will deal with Frank’s buddies

Meme Queen: sounds gucci. Let’s do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kate is a definitely meme god don’t @ me

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I know it’s not perfect, but I really like this AU


End file.
